World Cup 2010 Blog: Cesare Prandelli’s Attack Of The Idiots

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Cesare Prandelli’s Attack Of The Idiots Posted: 30 Sep 2010 07:31 AM PDT Let’s get this out in the open: Antonio Cassano, Francesco Totti, Mario Balotelli….none of these men could have split the atom. Extraordinary, occasionally unbelievable, physical and athletic talents, but they don’t quite possess the same intellectual prowess. Totti’s written a book of jokes about it (alright, maybe ghostwritten), Balotelli has hinted at such recently and with enough digging, I’m sure there’s a slightly depressing, Mike Tyson-esque quote of resignation from Talentino in which he waxes on how stupid he be. Maybe Cesare Prandelli has something up his sleeve, or maybe he’s referring to their footballing IQs (likely, but let’s ignore it for a second), but he has a quote in which he claims to want players of Balotelli’s “intellectual capacity” directly after hinting at a return of the telepathic duo of Totti & Cassano to the Italian attack. “The idea of seeing Totti and Cassano together in the national team is a particular desire, we’re talking about friendship, a relationship that exists between them. We wanted to create an occasion which would be an example for kids who would want to watch the match. I said it would be great for two friends to rediscover each other on the pitch.” Another player Prandelli wants to see back in his squad is 20-year-old Balotelli. “I miss him because I really want to try out an attack with players of his intellectual capacity,” added Prandelli. This could spawn a sequel to Totti’s novella of yuckers: How best to stop the Italian Cassano-Totti-Balotelli tridente? Long division.

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World Cup 2010 Blog: World Cup: Breaking Up Relationships, Destroying Productivity.

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World Cup: Breaking Up Relationships, Destroying Productivity. Posted: 28 Sep 2010 07:08 AM PDT For many, the World Cup is the most romantic of all the tournaments up to a certain point, when an elite group take over and relegate Cinderella to “thanks for the memories”. Turns out it’s not quite as romantic in the land of romantics, as 5% of those polled witnessed a relationship dissolve as a result of the tournament. (Isn’t the WC supposed to bring people together?) The same study says 14% broke the rules at work to watch the Cup during the summer, which leads to the theory most took this survey with a boss standing directly over their shoulder. According to ESPN, fourteen percent of Americans surveyed said they or a friend broke work rules to watch the tournament in South Africa. The cable network Monday cited research by Knowledge Networks’ Total Touch that found 77 percent of out-of-home Internet usage during World Cup matches occurred at offices and 50 percent of out-of-home ESPN mobile use was at offices. Eighteen percent of people said they or a friend wore their favorite team’s World Cup jersey to work during the tournament from June 11 to July 11, and 5 percent said they or a friend broke up with a significant other because of the World Cup. If the World Cup cause early termination in five percent of relationships, we can safely assume Football Manager is in the high eighties. (Conservatively, of course.)

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World Cup 2010 Blog: South Korea Wins U-17 Women’s World Cup

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South Korea Wins U-17 Women’s World Cup Posted: 27 Sep 2010 04:00 AM PDT Confession time: I must admit I did not have high hopes for the highlights of a “World Cup” for those still in the midst of a high school education. I was very, very wrong and rather blown away by the astonishing expertise with which these “women” (they’re girls, really) can hit a Jabulani. The men from the summer’s edition should be blushing in shame. South Korea beat Japan on Saturday to win the Women’s U-17 World Cup, and it’s a good thing they did or else maternal areas the world one would’ve felt too much pain to continue on. The South Korean keeper, Minah Kim, had an adventurous normal time to say the least: the first Japanese goal was just cruel – how is a child supposed to jump high enough?; the second was a proper Jabulani’ing, which makes her qualified to start for most senior teams of the male persuasion; and the third was a bad spill into the six. However, she’d have her chance for retribution in extras – South Korea would actually pay back both on their second goal – and Minah would come good, with some added help from So Dam Lee’s monster volley in the 79th to equalize. Maternal areas of the world are now safe, though it’s best not to scope out the Japanese post-game photos. Superdramatic highlights set to superdramatic metal-cum-choir follow, with an added bonus of some Jabulani specials:

World Cup 2010 Blog: “The US World Cup Bid Video (Narrated By Morgan Freeman, Obviously)” plus 1 more

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The US World Cup Bid Video (Narrated By Morgan Freeman, Obviously) Posted: 24 Sep 2010 10:30 AM PDT I’d just like to explain something for those not from the States: Morgan Freeman narrates absolutely everything in the US. Everything. It’s a little-known rule his spoken presence to all things video been added as the 28th Amendment to the Constitution and he’s so omnipresent most Americans wake up from dreams with the sudden urge to watch March of the Penguins. Rumors even suggest Chuck Norris can woo the Sirens, but goes mute around Morgan Freeman. However, they really dropped the ball by not concluding this video in classic Morgan Freeman form: Pretty please…[dramatic pause]…pretty please. I mean really dropped it. (And, oh yes, the United States would like the World Cup – like everybody else.)

FIFA: South Africa Was ‘Best World Cup Ever’ Posted: 24 Sep 2010 06:10 AM PDT Much like UEFA’s official match reports, FIFA’s general quotations are laden with bullshit. Sepp’s the galaxial high chief of clowndom, which has been well documented, but it trickles down the organization like some sort of maple from hell, clinging to all in a slow-moving avalanche of inevitability. Their stance that this was the standard-bearer for all future World Cups might just fall under this effect. Speaking after a wrap-up meeting in Johannesburg of the board of South Africa’s 2010 local organising committee (LOC) Valcke said South Africa had set ‘the bench mark for future World Cups’. ‘This was rated as the best World Cup ever. It was a fantastic success and Brazil who host the 2014 know they will have a lot of work to do to match South Africa,’ he was quoted by the South African Press Association as saying. ‘But we have time to help Brazil host as good if not better event,’ he added. Best what exactly? Best football? Because it surely wasn’t. Best organization? The empty stadiums would seem to disagree. Best refereeing? George Best? Best buy? What? Best job of lining FIFA’s wallets? Well, we might have a winner there, even if we may never know – it’s at least the most plausible theory, since it’s difficult to see just how this World Cup was the best from an overall or majority standpoint. The last quote is more warning than anything: Brazil’s going to have to make it rain.

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